made in jazn

Updates from Iwajima

If only everyone in World War 2 blogged. Amiright? Fuck me.

Btw. Clint Eastwood is a racist.

Cut To:

Its funny how your opinion of things changes as you get older, or sometimes not at all. We all have these little things we do and can’t help doing, sometimes they are innocent like saying bless you when people sneeze, or sometimes its not so innocent like I dont know racism. There are only so many gooks you can kick off your lawn Clint Eastwood, slow down cowboy. But sometimes the things we do but cant stop doing, in my opinion is pretty fucking hilarious, depending on how they have been influenced. Because if you think about, all of it is silly, all of it is absolutely 100 % completely ludicrous.

For example, why is it that when food is served in a school setting, it sucks, no matter what, they could serve you like a three course meal with waiters singing you showtune numbers and jacking you off under the table and it would still suck. Why because we grow up with it, we grow up with the shittest food ever, or perhaps the notion that it is shitty. Like today, In my college we have this thing called the “greenery” there are working CHEFS in there, with REAL HATS, who have restaurant experience, cooking you SEVERAL selections of delicious cuisine items, using fresh ingredients made right in front of your eyes, and for some reasons from time to time, I have the nerve to say “Man the foods really shitty today”. Like the fucking STUFFED MUSHROOMS weren’t good enough for me, and the GRILLED IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES hamburgers seemed pretty gross that day. But the thing heres the problem. The problem is that the foods good, and that, THAT my friends, leaves me at a state of uneasiness, you know like the calm before a storm. A culinary shit storm. Not like a food fight or anything. But like a metaphorical one, one which involves alot of shitty food.

But lets get real, cafeteria food is always shitty. It is not supposed to be good. For example. BAM, flash back to first grade. Walk into the cafeteria, first breakfast at school, what do they serve? Green eggs and green cheese….

Now i may be a little foreign at the time but, any mother fucker who serves green cheese to a child, is either A. Stupid as fuck. B. Has not grasped the concept that green things that are not vegetables generally look nasty. or C. The staff of the cafeteria not only did not even read the book “green eggs and HAM” but also thought doctor Seuss is a excellent medium in which to poison innocent children with. All three of which are completely UNACCEPTABLE. Then i go to middle school and high school thinking its all gunna change. Nope, since i went to an art school which was 6 -12th grade, they served the same shit from elementary to the middle schoolers, and the same middle school shit to the high schoolers. Not a damn thing changed. We all ate the same shit and we all hated the same shit. So you see. This kinda stuck with me. Even when the food is amazing, things that we think and things that we do, become habits, sometimes we cant control but hate the good food. All you gotta do is, ask yourself this next time the waiter doesn’t put pepper on your fillet mignon, “is it worse than green eggs and cheese? Because i doubt it is, and if it is. Get your grown ass out the cafeteria. This food is for kids.

Blog and Thoughts

February 23, 2011

1 Comment

Guilty Confession.

I like Judd Apatow movies and romantic comedies. I watch them when I’m sad. Its the male equivalent of a chick flick. Because inside i am a 30 year old single white women who is lonely has had 3 bad break ups. Most comedians I know would take multiple shits on me for saying it but I felt it was really necessary to say at 3 in the morning.

Sometimes I don’t understand the point of being a critic. How is it constructive to anything but your own ego? I understand not liking something but what is the point of instead of going

“Hey i didn’t like that movie.”

and going

“Hey i really HATED that movie because i felt like it was poorly casted, i mean it didn’t even pick up on the subtle social nuisances we all have and it just felt SUBPAR you know. ”

Listen. If you are a film buff i get it, if you are a hipster fuck i get it, but before you watch a movie to educate yourself or criticize. Enjoy it first. Don’t shit on a plate of food before you taste it you know. If it sucks it sucks, if its okay its okay, if its great its great. Stop jacking off your own ego, jesus. No one wants to hear you say “avante garde” or “verbose” or “quaint”. I feel like most people are critics just to be critics. And hey im not saying we dont need critics, im just saying you dont need to be one all the fucking time. My biggest pet peeve and im guilty of it too sometimes is when people go “I really expected more from that”. Really? You did? What are you an alcoholic dad whos son is never good enough? Shut the fuck up. The experience of cinema wasn’t enough for you. You have to say you expected more, what did you want Anne Hathaway to come out of the screen and blow you? Actually wait hold on i take that back because i really actually do want that really bad. But seriously.

What im getting at here is, enjoy more things. Try it. I dare you to like more shit. You don’t have to be a yuppie to like things and im talking to everyone. Am i an optimist? Sure but, that doesnt mean i dont hate the fuck out of somethings. I consider myself a cynically optimistic. But it’s all a matter of perspective. I guarantee that if you just quit being a dick, shit you can even still be a dick if it makes you happy, but like something anything. And i bet something in your life will be better. Have your days been shitty lately, heres a thought stop hating it so much. Is it that bad. Do you have small pox? Is your blanket full of small pox. No. If you still hate your life, then i hope you have small pox, because at least you have a good reason to bitch about it other then, your tv isnt working and your parents canceled your netflix.

I mean, my favorite comedian, Louis CK, once put it, EVERYTHING IS AMAZING AND NO-ONE IS HAPPY.

Blog and Thoughts

February 2, 2011

Macbook Knows.

OLD NEWS BUT THE NEWS IS SO FRESH I THINK IT’S STILL NEW NEWS,

I got a MAC.BOOK.PRO. Equate this feeling to when harry potter got his firebolt. THAT GOOD.

The macbook knows. When i am bored! When im sad! When im happy!

Having a laptop has opened up knew worlds to me, i never knew how much i was missing until i got this thing. Like today in class, when i should have been pretending to listen, i watched a documentary about meth instead. It was wonderful! Instead of learning about how to program an array to move various vertexes in shapes and curves I learned that meth kills! Who would’ve thought! Stop that meth!

Later today in class, I was supposed to design a robot that could navigate a maze based on a subsumption architecture using various sensors set by a mathematical algorithm. Instead I learned that Pinocchio is Italian for “pine eye”! What a peculiar fact! Pine eye! Who would have known. What does having a pine eye have to do with a wooden puppets thirst to be real. Oh disney you silly bastard.

Lately times have been tough santa. Real rough. I sleep little but i think lots. Sometimes when im on the toilet i worry that creativity is escaping rapidly through my asshole. That was vulgar. But its true. I feel like instead of being creative im shitting it all over the place. There’s only so much of not doing, that i can physically do. Its revolting. I wish i had an inspirational Irish butler to say cool things as im workin.

“You know tats just life lad. We’re all in this sham together now.”

“When i was a wee boy, i played wit rocks ya know”

“I love ye”

I wish there was more hip-hop in my life as well.

But this is being remedied as we speak. I shot a short film! And now im editing it! WOW. I also am trying to start a film crew up here at evergreen. Hard job when EVERYONE including me is either busy or lazy which in some cases means both. I HAVE IDEAS. LOTS OF IDEAS. But im still figuring out how to do it. Not knowing where everything is, is also a catalyst for the creative that’s progressively escaping from my asshole. And the problem is that i cant find the hat to put it in and pull it out of. Man i sure do miss MIA. I really really have to update this blog more regularly. Tell you what, to the few handful of people reading this. Do me a favor. Hire assassins to off me. Really do it. I promise i will blog about it.

Till then i will proceed to make sweet, sweet love to my knew mac book hoe.

Blog and Thoughts

February 1, 2011

1 Comment

Writers Thwomp.

I have writers thwomp.

Blog and Thoughts

January 24, 2011

1 Comment

Gingercats!

I am allergic to cats. Always have been.

But i met in ginger cat. It tried to follow me home. I named him Ron Weasley. He asked me to play Parcheesi. I said i didn’t know how. He called me a dirty liar. Can you believe this cat? Can you even believe him or something?! Man. So i tried to feed him a cheese nip. Probably shouldn’t have, i only picked it because it was the same color as him. At the time. I believed cats loved to eat things that were the same color of them. But then i realized i was just being racist. How would you like it if i tried to feed you saltine crackers, clam chowder, noodles, and rice everyday. Huh? But what if i was being sensitive. But then again i just assumed all of you who are reading this are white. I mean those are the important people anyways. Oops. There i go being honest again. I mean racists. I mean would you like some crackers?

I wish i had my own kitchen. So i could ask people to make me things in it. Or if I’m feeling adventurous. Ask people to watch me roast marshmallows over an electric stove. My standards are very high for a kitchen. Heres what i would like in a kitchen. A plate full of oranges to cook. NOT EAT. A tub full of bananas. Instead of aprons everyone must wear durags and wife beaters. Noone is allowed however to beat their wife. Except for 1 person, who gets to put on the only Frank Sinatra Costume in the whole kitchen. There’s only one so people would have to share.

I was very sick a couple weeks ago. I drank a lot of dayquil. Like a G6. I don’t understand that song. How do you get slizzard like an airplane?

I also must confess. I dont blog nearly enough. But to be honest its been busy. Super busy.

2010 was a busy year. I was a busy bee. I was a mongolian bee. I raided bee hives and suffered no consequences.

Through my Dayquil abuse. I had a glorious vision. I saw ron weasley. The cat. Confronting me on a Stormy night! He said “Meow!” which of course meant “I think Kate Beckingsale from the movie Underworld was not hot at all in any way shape or form i mean, leather? so tacky.” So god lit his tail on fire to proove to me that Kate Beckinsale is indeed uber hot.

I promise to blog at least once a week. So help me gingercats.

Blog and Thoughts

January 7, 2011

3 Comments

I still love H.E.R

There is something to be learned from this.

A very appropriate update of COMMONS “I Used to Love H.E.R”

Talkin bout poppin bottles with models and the strippers now shes a bawla trying to see whose the richest

tatted all up with 808s and heartbreaks, nails is too pretty to be diggin in the crates

stressin how wealthy and rich she is, she was richer in spirit before she got in the show biz

I did her, not just to say i did it, but im commited but just so many niggaz hit it

shes just not the same letting all these groupies do her, and make it rain on her, and try to AUTO TUNE HER

But ima take it back hoping that the shit stop cuz who im talking bout yall is HIP HOP

Blog and Thoughts

December 24, 2010

1 Comment

I am so Prentious.

I am so pretentious. I suck a lot of cock.

I am so pretentious that I am made of rocks.

I am so pretentious. I like to make up facts.

For anyone, and anything except for things that lack.

MEANING AND IMPORTANCE. It fuels my very core.

I am so prentensious. Its okay to be a whore.

I AM SO PRENTENSIOUS. I like to sit around.

To shit on things, and laugh at things but never make a sound.

I am SO VERY PRETENSIOUS, I drink coffee with a straw.

I am so pretentious I EAT MACARONI RAW!

When i am close around you im likely to remark

that everything you’ve every liked is a piece of fucking shit.

I AM SO PRETENTIOUS. There is Jesus on my knees.

The room is full of idiots, and my school is full of bees.

I am so pretentious that is is necessary to say.

That nothings homosexual if you do not call it gay.

I am so pretentious I am in to Kanye West

but im not into his music i just like the way hes dressed

I am so pretentious I think interrupting is OK

But if anyone does the same to me I will ruin their fucking day.

I AM SO PRENTIOUS I CHANNEL LUCIFER HIMSELF.

I AM SO IRONIC THERE ARE BIBLES ON MY SHELVES.

I am just a person but its easy to forget

When im so cool i fuck CDS and listen to cassettes.

I am just a person. BUT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.

That in my heart I hate you all, women, child, and man.

happy holidays!

Blog and Thoughts

December 14, 2010

Geek Power!

Say it with me!

GEEK POWER!

For the peeps who sleep in data codes and breakfast cereals

THIS IS YOUR MOMENT!

This is your chance to rise up in a unity of keyboards and essentric key chains

and collector edition metroid brains

MORE FURIOUS THAN YOUR GRAPHIC CARDS! MORE FURIOUS THAN YOUR ETHERNET CABLE! MORE FURIOUS THAN FIBER OPTICS. THIS IS. STILL IS.

YOUR MOMENT! GEEK POWER!

mmmm say it again.

GEEK POWER!

For the lonely hearts who find love in letters, stories, and 4chan forums, yes this is your poem!

GEEK POWER!

If you feel me, then be real with me, we are not a rare breed, we are not a trend, we are not the 2nd option, we are the OPTIMUS PRIME

GEEKPOWER!

For those who get pissed at spell check, even though 99.99 % of the time it is correct. Say it wit me.

GEEK POWER!

Not one of us but all of us, even those who don’t smoke cannabis, we are all connected, we are all one of mind but many of thought. We are the brain hulks, and math wolverines, we are Marvel’s children, and fiction’s forefathers. We are the final fantasy.

FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET. FASTER THAN A VIRUS SCAN. FASTER THAN NEO FROM THE MATRIX CAN. THIS IS YOUR MOMENT. THIS IS YOUR LIMIT BREAK!

GEEK POWER!

From the pro-gamer, to the programmers, even those who are pro-spammers. We whose dreams are laced with 8-bit aliens, point and click trivia, and images of Princess Leah taped to their walls.

You are and always will be a geek. Own it.

Because this is and always will be YOUR MOMENT.

Say it with me.

GEEK POWER!

Blog and Thoughts

November 29, 2010

1 Comment

Bathroom Crisis.

There’s piss in the toilet again. Not my piss. Someone elses’ piss. I mean no big deal, its college, i have 6 suite mates, but one of these mutha fuckas doesn’t flush and maannnnn. That shit is disgusting. Plus I’ve got this thing where i cant pee in other peoples pee. Its too weird. I feel like it takes away from the purity of my piss. Theres a certain joy you get from turning the water yellow. Its kinda like making Kool aid in a big pitcher, no one wants to make Kool Aid if there’s some yellow ass water already in the pitcher, nah hell no. I wanna see the swirly swirls, and someone is fucking it up for me ery’ goddamn time. But nonetheless I aint no bitch so I aint gon flush his pee for him. I decide to leave for 5 minutes thinking, lord “please let this dumb mutha fucka flush all of his pee before i come back”. 5 minutes go by, I come back and guess what.

Not only is there still piss in the toilet, there is also some new piss on the ground next to the toilet, and some piss on the actual flush handle, so not only do i have a pee bandit who doesnt flush, but a pee bandit who also has the worst fucking aim in the world, or has an eel for a penis. What kind of asshole doesn’t flush, its not like you can forget. You get to watch the whole process, from A to B, the before and the after. Nobody finishes peeing and goes “Hmm, I can’t quite remember what to do next…perhaps its best if it just, leave it here”

NO! Its like an I spy book. You pee, something is obviously different, you go oh yeah there’s pee in this toilet now, and you make it go away. Done. Preschool 101, bathroom etiquette bitch.

GODDAMIT!

So i go back into my room and open up Microsoft paint like an angry 5 year old and just start making the shittiest “please flush” ever, go back into the bathroom and start scotch taping it to the wall. While i am peeing at the same time. I put the poster up go back into my room really satisfied and then i realize ,

“shiet…I forgot to flush”

Moral of the story is flushing saves lives.

heres the poster i drew.